Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 18

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

I get so into the moment.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.