Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 18
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.