Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 7
I love the movies, I don't even call them the movies, I call them cinematic adventures.
The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"
I was very good at kickball... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school.
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
When somebody says "I wouldn't change a thing" they're thinking of something they would change.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.