Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 8

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.

I would love to have acidy spit.

At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry.

You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'