Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 10
I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'
If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!