Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 10

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.