Daniel Tosh Quotes and Jokes


"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."

Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.

I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t!

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.