"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."
Daniel Tosh Quotes and Jokes
Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.
I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t!
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.
I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.
What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity, that'll really throw the scent off the gay trail.
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.
Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."