Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 4
Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.