Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.