Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.