Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"