Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.