Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 10

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!