David Letterman Quotes and Jokes

180 quotes

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Show me squid!

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"