David Letterman Quotes and Jokes


United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Show me squid!

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

Life experience is the best teacher.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.