Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 12
Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.