Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 10

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'