Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 11
When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.
I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.