Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 35
I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”
I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.
I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”
“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".