Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 34

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."

I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.