Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 4

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.

The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.