Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 7
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.
Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out.
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
There should be some kind of dedication of a portion of the funds to Town Center.
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."