Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 8
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."
When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.
I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.