Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 8
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.
There should be some kind of dedication of a portion of the funds to Town Center.
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.