Quotes & Jokes by Doug Benson / page 3

C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."

My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

I'll put an emoticon at the beginning of a text because I don't give a fuck.

I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.