Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 2
Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.