Doug Stanhope Quotes and Jokes


I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.