Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 6
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"
Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”