Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 7
He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.