Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 9

I've done a bit of Latin in my time... but I can control it.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”

I'm covered in bees!

The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.