Quotes & Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres / page 14

223 quotes

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my game. I've never felt better! I'm sharp as a tack right now. And what's weird is that I didn't get a good nights sleep last night. And they say that's the most important thing. Or is it breakfast they said? That's the most important meal of the day, breakfast... yes. And then it's 'i' before 'e' I know that. Um... diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dog is a man's best friend.. What was I talking about? Oh, that's right, that I feel great and I'm at the top of my game. And it's odd because I didn't get hardly any sleep last night. And, they say that's the most important thing.

Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a relationship. We're the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you're ruining. There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders. 'Did you hear about Chris?.... Killed yeah... .Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone. Well, she's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now. Chris was so kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week. Those humans think they're so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make.

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

Be kind to one another.

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.

In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.