Quotes & Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres / page 13

223 quotes

People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.

I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'

I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.