Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 11

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.