Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 11

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.