Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.