Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12
So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.
In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.