Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 16
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.