Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 16
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.
A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!