Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'