Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'