Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 8

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.