Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 9

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'