Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 9

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.