Garry Shandling Quotes and Jokes

44 quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.