Garry Shandling Quotes and Jokes


When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.