Garry Shandling Quotes and Jokes

44 quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.