Garry Shandling Quotes and Jokes


When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.