Gary Gulman Quotes and Jokes

63 quotes

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?