Gary Gulman Quotes and Jokes

63 quotes

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

Comedians: We're allowed to not have a podcast right?

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?