Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 2
Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"
"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
In today's America, no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone's a winner. No matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy, no one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important, character building words: "You lost, Bobby! You lost, you're a loser, Bobby!" They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? "You were the last winner." A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their twenties. When their boss calls them in and says "Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser."
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the big problem?