Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.