Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt
Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.
Turning a breakup into a break-over... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.