Greg Behrendt Quotes and Jokes

138 quotes

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.

Turning a breakup into a break-over... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.