Quotes & Jokes by Greg Giraldo / page 6

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.

You are what you are. You don’t choose to be gay or straight. I don’t choose to be attracted to women, it sucks. I lose half my shit every ten years and have to start fresh.

Ice T you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro’

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.

That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.

Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.

On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”

On Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy: ”You made all your money because you created a fucked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'

On Joan Rivers: “Could your original face have been that much worse than that clown mask you’ve had welded on?”