Quotes & Jokes by Greg Giraldo / page 6
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.
I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.
George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.
That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.
How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'
On Joan Rivers: “Could your original face have been that much worse than that clown mask you’ve had welded on?”
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”