Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"