Henny Youngman Quotes and Jokes

225 quotes

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.