Henny Youngman Quotes and Jokes


Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.