Henny Youngman Quotes and Jokes

225 quotes

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.