Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 10
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.