Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 11
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
The disasters build a sort of odd Diacid feeling. When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, 'I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.'