Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 14
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.
GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.