Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 15
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.