Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 15

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

This show is our own personal beliefs.