Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 15

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.