Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 19

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.

I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.