Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 18
I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.
If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.
As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.