Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes

173 quotes

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.