Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes

173 quotes

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.