Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes


My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.