Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes


My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.