Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes

173 quotes

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.