Phyllis Diller Quotes and Jokes


My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.